Wanted: Middle-Aged Mom

Our organization is seeking a highly skilled and talented individual to fill the position of middle-aged mom. This is a contract position that includes work-from-home privileges yet also requires long hours, travel, and sometimes unfavorable working conditions.

Candidates should possess the following:

  • Skills to manage 1-10 children ranging in ages, abilities, and interests.
  • Expert anger management skills.
  • Cooking skills that rival short-order cooks and Julie Childs combined.
  • Will need to sort, fold, and disseminate 8-12 loads of laundry a week.
  • Ability to plan ahead hourly, weekly, monthly, and annually to maintain people, cars, home repairs, bills, and possible unforeseen expenses and accidents.
  • Ability to keep track of everyone’s events, practices, school projects, deliveries, clothing and personal hygiene needs, including your own and the husband’s.
  • Financial management skills to ensure adequate spending of family budget and avoid over-spending and debt on an income that will never seem like enough.
  • Will need to attend to toddlers while simultaneously breaking up sibling disagreements and limiting screen time for teenagers.
  • Excessive travel required including many repetitive and mind-numbing trips to sporting events, practices, rehearsals, lessons, performances, etc. often at dinnertime and evening hours when you have the least amount of energy.
  • Ability to strategically implement and execute dinner and feeding of many people nightly with such hands-free equipment as crockpot, bread machine, and rice cookers as well as other make-ahead, preset cooking appliances while undertaking excessive travel.
  • Must demonstrate skills in educational understanding from K-12 including common core standards and help children with homework at multiple levels, at the same time.

Candidates Might Also Possess:

  • Overgrown highlights and/or layers with option gray hair showing at hairline
  • Worn out jeans, slightly out of style
  • Comfortable shoes, with inability to tolerate heels or shoes over two inches
  • Home with well-loved, gently used furniture with kid and pet stains
  • Minimum of 5-10 pounds extra body weight, preferably around waistline
  • Ability to laugh and or cry at a moment’s notice
  • A positive attitude, when possible
  • Candidates without noticeable crows feet or smile lines need not apply


  • Free hugs and kisses including random “I love you’s”
  • Unconditional love
  • Seasonal bonuses including hand-made craft gifts at all holidays
  • Potential assistants to help with cleaning and cooking (Note: you will need to manage these assistants)
  • Movie/TV watching partners
  • Unlimited Sponge Bob rights
  • Card and board game partners
  • Halloween Candy pilfering rights
  • Saturday morning snuggles
  • Sense of accomplishment and purpose in your life

Candidate will be issued a standard ten-year-old minivan to accomplish tasks related to the position. Payment in the form of love and verbal thanks will be available for deposit on acceptance of the position.

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