6 Ways to Anchor Your Self-Worth During Times of Trials

I’ve ridden the roller coaster that is having low self-worth. It isn’t easy to navigate your days while questioning your abilities and perhaps even motivation behind what you choose to do. Second guessing yourself from moment to moment is debilitating and can cause even the most efficient and productive people to grind to a halt. Over the past few years of navigating times of trials, I found myself thinking, what are some things I can do to anchor my self-worth when I’m not seeing clearly?

As a highly sensitive person (HSP) going through a tough season, I’ll tell you that it isn’t easy to go through a series of difficult accidents and diagnosis–I’ve been delt blows in the past, but never so many blows consecutively in a period of three years.

In 2023, my daughter and I were on our way to the library near our house when a driver turned against his red light and plowed into us as we were going 45 miles per hour. Every air bag deployed and the Toyota logo from the center of my steering wheel stamped my hand before I could hit the horn. It happened so fast. It was a very unexpected tragedy in that my brand new Toyota RAV4 Hybrid was totaled, and I came away with a severe concussion and whiplash that caused disk degeneration in my neck. My daughter came away with minor back injuries.

The affects of the concussion included short term memory loss, draining headaches, and exhaustion since my brain had to work so hard to remember normal day-to-day things. I completed all kinds of therapies but still struggle today with memory recall, which can be so hard. Through this experience, my depression worsened making it very hard for me to maintain an accurate view of my self-worth during a season of intense testing.

Just one year from my car accident as I was still healing from my concussion, I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer and navigated seven surgeries in two years. The first attempt at reconstruction failed due to to infection. I had to wait an additional nine months, then went through a different type of reconstruction. More blows to my health and livelihood–but I’m still here, attempting to build my life back little by little.

Through these times of trials, I’ve found these unique and accurate ways to anchor self-worth emerge:

1 – Set Realistic Expectations for Yourself

After my car accident, I made the mistake of expecting that I would be able to work just as hard as I did before my accident. In reality, my headaches were so severe, I had to work on my computer in 15-minute increments. I had just taken on a new content marketing client and had my own website, HSPJourney.com to write for.

I had no choice but to let other responsibilities fall by the wayside such as volunteering at church on the worship team and guest leading worship at other churches. My income took a hit, but I decided to hunker down and focus on the things that I was able to do. I took things slow and worked in short bursts from the couch throughout the week. I rested. I took naps.

When you’re a high achieving person, lowering expectations of yourself can be extremely hard. In my situation, I really had no choice as debilitating headaches and body pain were my every day reality.

How do you set realistic expectations for yourself, you might ask?

It’s hard. One way is to list out all the tasks you’d do on a normal day at your prime. If you’re like me, the list might be long. When you’re sick or going through a difficulty that impacts you, you’ll need to adjust your to do list by as much as 75%.

I can’t tell you what to expect of yourself, but I do know that if I reduce my expectations to half of what I can normally do, I feel much better if I can accomplish the smaller list. If I still have energy left, I can take on one or two more things–no more.

Resist the urge to wear yourself out. Remember that you have to be functional tomorrow, so don’t overdo things or you’re wipe out completely. Carving out time for rest and relaxation each and every day is VERY IMPORTANT. Taking care of yourself, often called self-care, should not be skipped or put off to the next day. When you’re not at your prime, self-care becomes the key way to keep on keeping on.

When you’re not at your prime, self-care becomes the key way to keep on keeping on.

2 – Decrease Comparison to Others

Just one year after my car accident, I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer. I was still recovering from my nasty concussion and neck decompression treatments. I had been doing visual therapy, which helped with my headaches, but my memory was still dreadful. My neck pain required constant management including massage, adjustments, and decompression treatments at the chiropractor. I had not fully recovered. I was operating on limited capacity, working in small daily increments.

Because I was still in repair mode, getting my breast cancer diagnosis felt especially terrible. I had no family history and no friends who had gone through it. I wondered why I was having to endure so many back-to-back challenges. It didn’t make sense and I vacillated between feeling incredible sorry for myself and being angry at God that he would allow me to go through so much.

When helping my coaching clients through times of comparison to others, I often use the metaphor of being like a horse with blinders on. In Old Sacramento, the horses giving rides all have blinders on so that they don’t get distracted by the cars and tourists–they stay focused on the road ahead and nothing more.

Comparison to others is like taking your blinders off. You notice everyone and everything around you and it’s very distracting and can be debilitating. The most accurate way to measure your self-worth is to measure yourself against yourself.

Are you able to do things you used to do? Aging can be hard, but working to maintain our own level of output or value is typically much better than trying to match someone else’s. I’ve found over the years that the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory quiz can be very helpful in order to have a ‘reality check’ around your current situation. It can take some pressure off your self-worth to know that what you’re going through is, in fact, very stressful.

The most accurate way to measure your self-worth is to measure yourself against yourself.

3 – Speak Kindly to Yourself

If I’m being totally honest, I’m not very nice to myself. Mostly, I ‘task’ myself–all day long. “You need to…” “You should be doing XYZ.” This monologue goes on constantly until my better reasoning steps in and asks how I’m doing.

“Am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Do I need a nap? What would be relaxing right now?” If left unchecked, I work myself into the ground without a break. But, when I’m speaking and being kind to myself, I check in. I speak tenderly like I would speak to a young child.

I’ve learned over the years that I’m not an oxen pulling a plow in a field. I need to treat myself tenderly and lovingly. How does this apply to measuring yourself, you might be asking? Well, I do think that we can measure our lives on output, creativity, and kindness to ourselves and to others around us.

We must befriend ourselves in order to be happy. Happiness, I’m finding, doesn’t have anything to do with what we own, but rather who we own. When we “own” ourselves, we take good and careful care of our body, mind, and soul. We treat ourselves, as well as others, with utmost love and respect. This attentiveness to ourselves is vital and can mean the difference between scraping by and thriving. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to thrive–not just get by.

When my four kids were little, I burned the candle at both ends and barely got by with enough sleep, enough time to myself, and enough space to think. Now that I’m nearing ’empty nest,’ my body, mind, and soul crave more attention and care. This is one way I strive to measure myself.

When I’m speaking and being kind to myself, I check in. I speak tenderly like I would speak to a young child.

4 – Increase Gratitude

From the moment I received my breast cancer diagnosis, I added a daily task to my Google calendar called, “acceptance.” I had to ‘complete’ this task each morning of starting a new day and accepting the situation I had to navigate through. My inner Pollyanna wanted to forget and move on to gratitude, but I knew that I couldn’t speed past acceptance, which was a vital step for me to embrace the fear and uncertainty of my path.

By accepting the uncertainty, my nervous system calmed down. Then, we utmost care, I could journal about the things I was grateful for–even in the midst of unrest and fear. I began to appreciate the morning dew, the crisp air on my dog walks, the birds chirping. It was these simple things that I clung to, along with some favorite Bible verses and songs that touched me deeply.

In my present season, I have set a different nightly task on my Google calendar. I add to my OneNote file five things I’m grateful for plus one thing I like about myself before I turn out the lights each night. This keeps me grounded.

If I’ve had a bad day, I tell myself it’s okay to be grateful for the weather or food I ate. Appreciating the simple things goes a long way toward appreciating my life and accurately measuring my self-worth in my love of others and all the good surrounding me.

Gratitude keeps me grounded. If I’ve had a bad day, I list the simple things I’m grateful for, and this is enough.

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5 – Evaluate Your Perspective

One definition of the word perspective is: the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance (Webster App). When one is mired in intense thought, depression, or angst about a situation, rarely do they have perspective on their situation. I did not have an accurate perspective of myself as I went through my intense trials. I still struggle with being so inside my head and overthinking things that I can easily lose my (healthy) perspective.

Sometimes using grounding techniques can help pull you from your (cluttered and inaccurate) mind. One grounding technique is the 5-4-3-2-1 Sensory Method: Identify 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste. Say these things out loud. Remind yourself that you are present.

Next, journaling can be helpful. Make a list of all the big things going on. You can use the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory to help you know what stressful situations look like. Some of the biggest situations on the list are death of a spouse or divorce, just to name a few from the top of the list.

What happens for me when I review this list is that I gain perspective around the stressful things going on in my life. It allows me to take some of the pressure off myself and do a reality check. A health scare. A financial strain. Major business readjustment.

At the end of the day, it isn’t your stressful situation that defines you. All humans face varying levels of stress. While most tend to pull away, drawing closer to others during times of difficulty is the better option. Allow your community to help you and attend to your needs. Reach out, if only to text a friend and say, “I’m struggling.”

Your worth is not defined by your situation. Your worth is inherent in your value as a fellow human, on this journey together.

6 – Embrace Humility

Humility can mean the difference between blaming yourself, blaming others, and accepting that you are not in control. If you’re a person who believes in God, the Christian Worldview tells us that we have inherent and immeasurable worth just because God created us and loves us. There’s a reason all the 12-step programs put a higher power at the center. When we admit that we are flawed and imperfect, we are able to be humble and submit ourselves to a higher authority. In a sense, we agree that we’re giving up control, which is no easy feat.

Giving up control to a higher power is an advanced skill in self-worth. It’s a dichotomy in that we can both have great self-worth and at the same time, admit that we are not in control of our own destiny. We can trust that God seeing the whole picture, knows the entire story, and loves us and wants what is best for us perhaps more than we do ourselves.

I promise you, if you take a break, sit down, stop taking the world upon your shoulders, the answer will come. You are valuable. You have purpose in existing. You are called. You are worthy.

Giving up control to a higher power is an advanced skill in self-worth.